Death and Life…Celebrating Abuelita Esther + postcards from Peru 

On September 15th we traveled to my abuelita’s hometown after learning she got suddenly very ill. My mom landed first to Cajamarca and rushed to the hospital emergency room. Mom was able to hold her hand before Esther passed away. Her transition was very peaceful, and she was surrounded by her kids and sisters. I’m so thankful she felt very loved and comforted by them. My brother and I arrived later that afternoon to join our family. We were so sad because we missed her by hours!!

When we were on the plane Lima to Cajamarca, we flew among so many beautiful clouds and bluest skies that it felt like paradise, and I was flooded with tears right there. It all felt so alive and beautiful, and I sensed the presence of Esther… I felt she was saying “hasta luego!” to us in that moment. Even though we didn’t physically reunite, her spirit was very present with us. She’s now in the clouds, the sun, the sky, she’s in everyone she loved, forever.

(Tia Gloria, grandma, tia Luisa… one of my favorite pics of them!)
From Cajamarca city center, we took a ride to my grand aunt’s house in San Miguel, a small rural town among the mountains, birthplace of my mom and her family. My grandaunt Luisa hosted the velatorio in her house, and we stayed with her and my tias (sisters of Esther) for the next week. We had daily family gatherings filled with warm conversation, anecdotes, tears and laughter, delicious meals, and “la novena” a catholic prayer at evening for nine consecutive days. We all took turns to cook or make snacks and drinks. The Diaz family is huge and most of us are women! Grandma was well known for her big lunches, dinners and breakfasts that could feed armies! I’m so inspired to carry on her legacy of generosity and service.

Esther was such a generous spirit, deeply loved as a mother, friend, neighbor, and teacher. So many people came to the house, day and night, to offer condolences and share stories about her. I was so moved by all these demonstrations of love and affection. The kitchen was busy all day, filled with smells of coffee, rosquitas, cheese, my grandma favorite cocktails, and it was one of my favorite places, so warm and lively. Even neighborhood dogs made their way into Luisa’s house for some scraps and pats. We are all huggers in my family, so at random moments, like when we would pass each other by at the corridors, we’d simply open our arms and hold each other for a few silent moments, caressing our backs and whispering comforting words.

I felt my abuelita was watching over us with a gentle smile. It can be difficult to have a big gathering with all of us sprinkled around the country…but my mom said: “Esther wanted ALL of us together, she said: I’m bringing them all here, no matter if I’m dead or alive!!”

My mom felt so guilty and remorseful about not visiting her more often. We did talk on the phone with grandma, but she refused to learn whatsapp for videocalls. I’ve had very emotional talks with mom, and she’s now a bit more relieved because she did what she could to stay connected with her. Mom is so tender and sensitive and childlike these days, like fully “cracked open”. We’re cuddling and hugging a lot, she asks to be held, to sleep with her in her room, to leave the doors a bit open so she can feel our presence. I love her so much, and I treasure these delicate moments. At some point, I’ll live through what she’s living now…

 I loved this quote from Tara Brach:

“In the Lakota/Sioux tradition, a person who is grieving is considered most wakan, most holy. There’s a sense that when someone is struck by the sudden lightning of loss, he or she stands on the threshold of the spirit world. The prayers of those who grieve are considered especially strong, and it is proper to ask them for their help.
You might recall what it’s like to be with someone who has grieved deeply. The person has no layer of protection, nothing left to defend. The mystery is looking out through that person’s eyes. For the time being, he or she has accepted the reality of loss and has stopped clinging to the past or grasping at the future. In the groundless openness of sorrow, there is a wholeness of presence and a deep natural wisdom.”

In a way, the proximity and inevitability of death reaffirm my aspiration to live more fully, wholly and passionately. Who knows how much time I have “left” here? But I’ll live it greatly! I can hear grandma say, “Do it for me, but most of all, do it for you, mi cholita bonita!!”  Grief isn’t easy, but oozing love and kindness helps immensely. Good cathartic cries too. My Esthersita had a great life, she was loved, she meant a lot to us and I know she has wonderful adventures awaiting her. I’m so happy she’s free 💗😊🙏